So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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