I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
