I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
