TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
