I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
