I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
