My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
