I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize