cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
