Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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