Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
as a side note pls kill me
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
