You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
