I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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