I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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