That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
