Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
