not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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