that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize