so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize