I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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