Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
