She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
