i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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