Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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