My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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