hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
