If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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