Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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