Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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