I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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