i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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