So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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