My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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