Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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