Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
