i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
