I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
