I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
