Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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