Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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