I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
