Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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