I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
