There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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