waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
