There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
