I wish my penis had an off switch
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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