Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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