why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
FUCK WHALES
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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