it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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