Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize