why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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