I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
