Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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