If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
