We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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