I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
