So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize