Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
