Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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