I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I believe in your delicious
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
