U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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