i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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