Ambien. No doubt about it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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