that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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