wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
