I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
